How to Talk with People Dealing with a Childhood Cancer Diagnosis
Do say "I'm here for you and your family."
Don't say "I know exactly how you feel."
Why? Even if you truly believe you know how they feel, they have no way of knowing whether you’re right. Trying to figure that out takes focus away from where it should be: on them and what you can do to support them.
Do say "Take your time to process this information, and feel free to reach out when you're ready."
Don't say "You need to stay positive at all times."
Why? Because staying positive all the time is not physically possible, and setting that goal creates unnecessary pressure on them.
Do say "If you need someone to talk to, I'm always available."
Don't say "At least it's not as bad as [another type of cancer]."
Why? Because, in this moment, the cancer diagnosis is likely one of the most difficult challenges that person has encountered. Comparing their problems to somebody else’s won’t make them feel better.
Do say "It's completely normal to feel a range of emotions during this time."
Don't say "Don't be sad or upset; you need to be strong for your child."
Why? Because equating sadness with weakness suggests a false image of strength.
Do say "I'm here to help with practical matters, like providing meals or childcare for siblings."
Don't say "You'll get through this if you just try harder."
Why? Offering to help with practical needs will make the person’s day easier. For the giver, it’s much easier to throw yourself into helping with chores and errands than to think of the perfect thing to say.
Do say "It's okay to take breaks and focus on self-care."
Don't say "This happened for a reason."
Why? I know that many people believe this and say it, meaning to help. For those who don’t believe it, it sounds bad. It sounds like the cancer experience is going to teach them a valuable lesson. It might, but if it will, it will. No need to bring it up now.
Do say "How can I support your child's interests or hobbies during this time?"
Don't say "Your child should just focus on getting better and nothing else."
Why? Like the offer to help with errands (above), this one works great because it gives you something simple, concrete and helpful to do. Focusing on fun activities might create time and space for heartfelt conversations.